When we choose to work for a particular company or at a specific property, we accept a certain set of values, corporate processes and general rules of conduct. We don’t have to agree about all of them. We might do things differently if it were our company. We might prefer a different culture that the one that exists. And we might be totally right in the things we would want to change. But we accept these structures because it is not our company, office or property. We want to keep our job and pay our bills, etc.

The fact is that our work environment is a fairly complex machine that has differing inputs and outputs and some of the moving parts of the machine have different aptitudes and personalities. Whether we recognize it or not, most of the policies and rules that exist are designed to add predictability and stability to the machine. The more chaos that is removed, theoretically leads to fewer potential failures…or less risk.

There are all kinds of rules:

-          Employees are not allowed to date each other.

-          -  We show up to work at a specified time.

-          -  We greet our customers in a certain way.

-          -  We go through contracts with our customers in a certain manner.

-          -  And so on and so forth…

All of these rules have a purpose and keep the machine running smoothly and customer experience consistent. These are generally good things that work to protect the owner’s investment and ensure that we continue to have jobs. Some of the rules and processes could be better and hopefully we do what we can to improve them. We accept this contract with our employer because we can see the benefit some of standardization and conformity. And frankly, we should derive a certain amount of comfort in these policies and procedures, because they apply not only to us. On some level, we know both what is expected of us and also what we can expect of others. Most of the time, we all agree to this social contract. And we can isolate the times and places where the machine breaks down.

This whole principle seems very straightforward. And this is because every brain is designed to see and interpret patterns. Have you ever noticed that when you call your dog to jump into bed, he/she always does so from the same side of the bed? If it tries the opposite side, then they are unsure. They have to override the pattern that their brain created about how to jump onto the bed. In the dogs mind, there is only one side from where to jump. Or when you unexpectedly smell smoke, your eyes immediately begin scanning the area to find out where it is. The truth is that it isn’t just your eyes, but all of your senses go on high alert. Your brain associates smoke with fire and fire with danger and your senses attempt to isolate and cure the danger.

These associations are patterns that your brain has created protect you from the danger of fire. It has also created rules (or policies) about how to handle the situation. There are tens of thousands of associations (rules) that your mind creates as you grow and learn. Just like your office or property that we discussed above, each of these rules is intended to keep the machine that is you, running predictably and with limited chaos. Your brain senses patterns and gives you back information that explains what you are experiencing. It works intuitively and associates other similar experiences.  If it did not, then everything that you saw or experienced would be independent. There would be no order and no connection and we would live in a constant state of fear. Without patterns, everything is unique.

All of this circuitous preamble brings us to the purpose of this discussion, and that is happiness. One of the pits that we humans often fall into is that, on top of all of the rules that our brains are unconsciously making, we consciously come in and also try to make additional rules about how the world should work. For instance, we decide that all of the forks go in the dishwasher with the tines up. We decide that the lights must be turned off every time you leave the room. We decide that the thermostat must be at 72 degrees. We decide that…

Then our spouse or roommate puts the forks in the dishwasher upside down, and we are angry. The problem is not that they are spiting us or doing something purposely to hurt us. But that is not how we interpret. The fact is that the rules that our brain unconsciously makes are designed to run only one machine- and that is us. On the other hand, the rules that we consciously make about these other behaviors, we expect to apply to us and extend to others. It simply does not work that way.

So why do we do it? As we discussed above, rules are designed to remove chaos. Another way of saying that, is that rules create control. And to our brains, control and predictability equals safety. So we demand that others conform to our rules in an attempt to protect ourselves from being hurt or abandoned or respected. But because each of us is our own autonomous machine, we can never fully get the other machines to behave like we want them to. Because each person (each machine) has different inputs and different experiences and therefore different patterns, their brains come up with different rules.

And why is this important? First of all, because most of the rules that we try to force on others don’t really matter. The fork will be clean regardless of which direction it is inserted into the dishwasher (Personally, one of my pet peeves is when people put the toilet paper on the roll backwards). Second, so many of us make so many rules about so many galactically inconsequential things, and then take personally when others don’t conform them, which in turn makes us feel frustrated or angry. And this little annoyance triggers a pattern in our brains that says – this person doesn’t care about me (my rules). This person is purposefully being disrespectful. All this over a fork, or a light, or a thermostat.

The point is that in an attempt to make ourselves feel like we are in control and protected, we make ourselves slightly unhappier each time the world and the people in it, don’t conform to our arbitrariness. And once again, over things that don’t matter. In life, our unhappiness and discontentment are generally self-imposed. We label (or are labeled) ‘control freaks.’

Outside of our own bodies, having any sphere of control is mostly an illusion. We can choose to hold onto this world with a tight grip or a loose one, and the results will not really differ much. The world will unfold as it should.

But we’re given about 80 years on this planet. If we can train ourselves to stop trying to control others in a futile effort to protect ourselves, then our experience of those years can be considerably more enjoyable. Which brings us back to happiness.