Boundaries are important at work, but ...

For some of you the challenge you have with boundaries is that they can feel scary to enforce. 

For others of you the challenge is how to enforce your boundaries without burning bridges. 

As for me, I'm on the "boundaries are challenging" side of the equation. 

Whatever side of the boundary divide you're on, here are some big ideas that I've found helpful (after studying relationships for over two decades) that I know can help you too:

Big Idea #1: Boundaries are how you "train" others how to treat you. People will do what you allow them to do.

Read that again. 

Big Idea #2: You are worth establishing and enforcing boundaries. 

If you're like me and the thought of creating and enforcing a boundary gives you "hives" this is for you. You are worth it. You are!

Big Idea #3: Other people may not like it when you establish and enforce boundaries. 

This is what prevents many people from having boundaries, because they're worried that other people may not like it. So, let's get this out of the way now. People don't really like others having boundaries, especially when those boundaries work against them. Instead of being mad when people don't like your boundaries, just expect that they won't. 

Big Idea #4:  Allow others the dignity to not like it when you establish and enforce boundaries.

When I do my communication and marriage trainings, this is one of the toughest big ideas to get people to accept! Still, I'm suggesting that you do accept and implement the idea that when someone doesn't like your boundary, instead of getting mad at them for not liking it, allow them the dignity to not like it. 

In other words, let them have their feels (whether you agree with their feelings or not!) 

And, no matter their reaction, so do your best to remain calm, courteous, and professional! Avoid snark, sarcasm, passive aggressive actions, phrases and behavior. 

Big Idea #5: Allow yourself the dignity of still honoring your boundaries, even when others don't like it. 

Remember, YOU are with creating and enforcing boundaries! And, healthy boundaries requires you to allow yourself to act with dignity, and allowing others to have the dignity of their own experience (when when you disagree with their experience.)

Big Idea #6: Boundaries are about you and not about controlling others

This is actually a more complicated and nuanced subject (that I dive deeper into in my trainings) but what I can say here is that healthy boundary creation and enforcement focuses on you, what you will do or won't do etc. 

For example: You're walking to lunch with two other co-workers, and they start gossiping and bad-mouthing people at work that you truly like. An unhealthy boundary enforcement would look like this:

"YOU NEED TO STOP TALKING ABOUT JULIE AND EDUARDO NOW. I LIKE THEM. AND YOU'RE BEING CHILDISH AND PETTY AND IMMATURE. AND YOU NEED TO STOP TALKING BAD ABOUT THEM."

While a healthy boundary enforcement could look like this:

"Hey...I know you have issues with Julie and Eduardo. However, they've always been great with me, and I don't feel comfortable being a part of this conversation about them. So, I think I'm going to head back to the office. I hope you have a great lunch!"

OR: "Hey...I know you have issues with Julie and Eduardo. However, they've always been great with me. So, I'd love to hang out with you, but if you need to keep venting about them I understand. I just won't join you for lunch then."